My dad told me on several talks, you shouldn’t marry because you have too many problems.
I asked him, what are the problems that I have maybe, I can fix them?
He never told me the answer.
Now I’m in a relationship with my wife. Actually she’s not my wife by law because we can’t find anyone to marry us because of the COVID.
My minister can’t marry us because it’s against the church rules. He can’t even give us a blessing. If it wasn’t for the rules, he’d be delighted.
We can get a legal document but we have to have someone to officiant it. So we are wives in our hearts.
As our relationships grow, she is finding out that I have a lot of problems. Which I myself am seeing them.
Just the other day I let her know that I am a coward. I’m afraid to stand up against my family. Because if I do stand up to my family, I’m afraid they would have me committed to an asylum.
I have proof of someone trying to hurt them but if I tell it to the law, they would tell the law that I’m retarded and I lie or make up stories.
Being committed is so terrifying that I back down, and be quiet. I am a coward.
I fretted about the knowledge of letting my partner know I am a coward so much during the night that I woke up crying.
It’s a problem. One of many. I was afraid my partner didn’t want me. Besides being a coward, I’m a nice person. But I’m a wimp. Who wants a wimp that can’t stand up for themselves.
When she heard that I am a coward, she still accepted me. That was a relief.
Today, I woke up crying again about another problem. If you don’t know a lot about technology, you are screwed.
I bought a less expensive phone to save money. But because I used another email provider instead of Google and e-mailed someone, the phone said it was scam and turned off the entire phone.
It no longer has Internet even though I paid for the minutes. I called the phone company using another phone and they said I didn’t have an account, yet they withdrew my money. The phone number isn’t a personal number anymore.
I need help and can’t find any.
I called my bank and asked them to block the company from withdrawing more money. Because banks used to do that. But my bank says I have to get a new credit card.
That’s a lot of trouble to me. I have several businesses that I’d have to call to change my information. I have orders that I made that is pending in my bank account. I can’t change credit cards now. And have to let that phone company drain my bank account for a phone that isn’t working at all.
Problems and more problems. I’m afraid there are so many problems that my partner will decide it’s too much and let me go.
She thinks I am smart enough to do anything. I can’t be like that. I’m not smart with everything. When people tell me that they have faith that I can do everything, they think I’ll work hard to do the impossible because they have faith in me.
I tried that. I don’t care how much faith a person has in me. I give it my all and still cannot perform miracles.
Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen.
They say that faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains. I have as yet not seen that kind of faith. A person says they have faith that I can perform miracles. Apparently they lied. If it was true about their faith in me, why couldn’t I do what they asked me to do.
When more problems show their ugly heads, I still hear my dad saying, you shouldn’t get in a relationship or get married because you have too many problems.
I’m scared my partner will tell me she had enough and she would kick me out to the curb.
I wake up worried everyday because of the curse my dad put on me. I cross my fingers, hold my breath and hope that the curse would break and my problems will disappear. Because I love my partner, my wife so far and at my age it’s good to have someone to love and they love you.