Don’t understand why I’m alive.
Fates are enjoying watching me suffer.
Not just my health but also my life.
Sometimes I think I speak another language that people don’t understand.
Am I an alien from another dimension?
Why do I need love? Is it in our DNA to want love?
I think it’s not for me because I can’t be understood.
Trying to keep a relationship from sinking in a deep sea is so hard.
I don’t like arguing. If only the person/people I am with could understand me, maybe life would be better.
Same with authority. People can’t understand me so they try to push me aside or drown me in that deep blue sea.
Sometimes I just want to quit. Quit living.
Why you ask? You say there are people that need my help. I have so much to offer. I can make a difference.
Yes all of that is true, but you don’t understand me. I speak another language.
Like the story of the Tower of Babel.
Where all the people spoke the same language. They were building the tower to get to heaven.
The gods didn’t like that idea so they changed different groups of people’s tongues to speak another language and they couldn’t understand each other and they formed same speaking languages and moved away.
Now too old to try. I’m tired of trying. But I keep on. No one listens anymore.
It’s hard to trust also after been abused by others in the past.
I want to trust the people I love.
Like a dog that was beat everyday. It is found and brought to someone else that cares. It’s a little bit better but the motion of a hand or the sudden action of the body or the tone of the new owner’s voice scares the dog and it awaits its punishment and not knowing what it had done to deserve the beatings.
Then it notices there are no beatings coming.
The owner loves it and talks smoothingly to it.
After about a year the dog is so alive and happy.
I’m like that dog at the moment. Fragile.
Worried that my problems are too much.
They are too much for myself to handle as it is. How could anyone else want to be around me.
I try so hard not to let another person know my struggles. They have enough of their own.
I wished that all people could understand each other and want to live in a peaceful way.
There would never be fights or arguments.
I can understand the reason that animals have a natural reason to mate. It’s for making more animals.
There is no love in the mating. Just a natural reaction.
But humans have the same actions. In the beginning of time mating was for making more humans.
Then there were these feelings that caused the humans to want to stay with the ones they mated with because they can produce more of their kind of genes.
The word for that wasn’t known back then when humans came to be. But now it’s called LOVE.
Animals don’t have the same feelings of love like humans do.
But what about older people. They don’t need that kind of love to cause them to mate because their reproduction organs no longer work. Well not in females anyway.
Why do older people need love? Is it in our DNA or is it a habit?
Love is hard to understand.
I thought if a person loved another, all things go smoothly. But it seems like a person has to work with it instead.
Why can’t true love be easy? Maybe the reason is the couple just loves each other but they aren’t truly in love. Just they love some of the things the other does. And just puts up with the stuff they don’t like.
I try so hard to do things that make the one I love to love me more. I try to change my ways so there is no arguing.
I prefer trying to work the differences out instead of fighting with hurtful words that can’t be taken back.
What hurts is when I’m trying to explain why I did something or to tell that I’m not something the other person says I am and they think I’m a monster. They misunderstood the whole subject I was trying to explain.
It hurts me deeply. Why do people say I’m a monster when I have kind thoughts and don’t mean to cause harm and it doesn’t matter?
Why toward the end of my life, everything is harder and rougher to be able to live?
Why is love so harsh and hard to hang onto?